Jay Paterno resigns from coaching staff
After weeks of intense negotiations between the administration and the football coaching staff, athletic director has 
announced today at a 2:00 pm press conference that Jay Paterno will no longer be on the coaching staff for the Nittany Lions.
“As of noon today, Jay Paterno has officially resigned from his post as quarterback’s coach and is heading to the University of Michigan for the same position there. This has been a long two weeks between both parties and at the end, Jay Paterno felt the pressure from fans and the administration here at Penn State to win was simply too much.”
“At the end, it was Michigan’s multiple losses to the Buckeyes and their current win streak against the Lions that enticed him to take his talents to Ann Arbor. Especially with a entirely new squad next year for the Wolverines, Jay Paterno feels coaching slow footed quarterbacks to run the spread was his forte especially when his ‘Spread HD’ offense was laughed out of Happy Valley. It was the best place for Jay to show up his dad and coaching peers that he was indeed valuable to Penn State football.”
This was the first press conference ever held at Penn State where champaign bottles were popped and a standing ovation was given to embattled athletic director Tim Curley who is on the hot seat following his decision to hire an unsuccessful woman’s basketball coach from Notre Dame to replace a highly successful Rene Portland.
Old Main bell tower chimed for a consecutive 30 minutes following the announcement and students were seen celebrating in front of the HUB following the announcement. Joe Paterno could not be contacted for immediate comment.
[Editor’s note: Happy April Fool’s Day. And thus concludes our two piece satire on college football. We will resume to regular blogging Wednesday.]
Releated Posts:
- Troy Sunderland resigns amid middling mediocrity
- Paterno Wants a 12th Big Ten Team
- Happy birthday Joe Paterno!
- Video WhiteOut: Paterno to Nixon “Shove it!”
- Joe Paterno Spring Teleconference
